Wednesday, March 17, 2004
the hardest words
to the RGS girls: thanks for a great evening - a thousand apologies if our romps at the pool got you into a sticky situation w the management. =p next time, the party's gonna be at someplace where we can actually throw ppl in. =D hahha. jk.(=
anyhow, post-party me - i'm feeling totally and completely weirded-out with myself. my body feels foreign, my head and heart seems to be attached in and to all the wrong places. my hands and my hair are working against my will. i feel like scraping my knuckles along the corners of a red brick wall jus to see if the blood that comes when my skin splits open is silver instead of brick-coloured
and then i'll know if there's a cause for worry because
besides the fact that i feel all so very out-of-place everywhere, i know i know i know i KNOW (dont try to convince me otherwise) that im N-O-T perfect. (i mean, afterall, no one is.) the thing is that im not even CLOSE to perfect. perfect people wldnt be suffering frm a histrionic and/or idiosyncratic fit like this. and im so, so sorry that i cant be your perfect one.
i am the anti-thesis.
everything feels wrong, but yet i know that most everything is going smoothly. i'm ruined; i ruin the almost perfect evenings to almost perfect days. and at the end of it all, i am almost always only left with
the
burnt-
out
end of a
cigerrette
.
charred