Thursday, October 30, 2003
all my people on the floor||let me see you dance
all i have to say: you. have. a. definite. way. with. me. and so, -thank you- for redeeming my otherwise dreary thursday. (*=. i will come back for glamour shots. thx fer everything. ily.
my mom has seen my report bk. she's def not happy but oh wells. i HAVE to do better nxt yr. im gonna start serious studying for friday (7th) =p. personal grrrrooming was quite fun (=
to everyone who sat for today's chem prac: dont worry about it k? it's over! and im sure you'll all do well. (= i'll be praying..
laters.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
|[i]| can, can |[you?]|
first things first: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REUBEN!! hahaz. (= i hope you had a great day - and remember: *you rox my soxx* =x ~ily.
righto. i think today was very insightful - career quest & (even) lit lesson made me think&reflect alot. about things that have been going on, the ppl ard me etc.
i've come to several conclusions. one of 'em being that im leaving everything to the G-man. whether i stay or whether i go... it's ENTIRELY up to Him now. i mean, i know i've got -unfinished business- here. but if im meant to leave it all behind... then so be it i guess. =*(
anyway. to everyone sitting fer tmr's chem prac paper: ALL THE BEST! i'll be praying for ya. (=
cheers, ppl.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
will i ever see/you smiling back at me?
the myths&legends workshop rocked =D. our team (angie, leanne, shuyi, jiaying + me) came in first and we had lots of fun in the process too~ so yay.
met sam fer lunch aft sch; went out w phangz aft that. aft chatting w may yongneng gill, we FINALLY took photos lolx. silly boyy~ (*=
mom is out fer dinner. i think i shld stop playing the piano fer a fraction of a second and go study =p. oh wells. at least phys prac went pretty well fer mah frens - rock on you guys! =D
Monday, October 27, 2003
i feel my wings have broken~in your hands.
watched never been kissed & infernal affairs in sch today. pretty gd films, the both of 'em. however i cannot beliv tt mrs logan came in fer chem. so yea. in more ways than one - im feeling super stoned.
went out w angie to coffeebean aft sch. mugged fer chi Os. (*=
fate changes everything.
i feel.
ahh. whats the point. nvm.
so to everyone sitting fer tmr's phys prac: all the best! you'll be in my prayers~
tc.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
the sun sets in your eyes.
one cookie, and a cold shower later: i'll take your word for it. everything will be alright.
k. its shermaine's bday today, so first things first: happy bday! gal.
found myself in kallang at the crack of dawn. then i down to meet sam & josh. watched one rd of the meth cup. and the 3 of us trooped off to commonwealth fer breakfast.
SAJC. whoo~ interesting open house. said hi to clara. she thought i was in sec 4. o_O. heh. fish mcdippers & wasabi rock. bus #143 is TEDIOUS and irritating, and a certain someone (A.D.A.M.) is positively PULSATING. think vibes. think NUCLEAR vibes. humongo-jumbo blip on the radar maaaaan~ *shudders* >.<
i think i've fergotten how to paragraph but nvm.
right. intolerable cruelty. v cute show. (*=
//big yellow taxi// i will bite my tongue and pull away before it kills me. (you know i want to stay.)
gng out fer dinner. tmr will be a new day.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
everyday, it's you i live for.
sch is nth but endless rounds of bridge tai-tee blackjack everyothercardgameimaginable. i read "The Song of Silver Frond" today - God knows what drove me to read stuff by catherine lim but im glad i did it nonetheless; excellent story.
it's a cautionary tale that explores the endless magnanimity of a love (somewhat) forbidden - its aftereffect? poetry in motion. the moral of the story (if any) is simple:
Traicit et fati litora magnus amor.
A great love can cross the bounds of fate.
and hmmn. it even leaves a fine imprint of locality (like strong aftershave) in one's memory. or whichever secluded corner of our minds that various plot bunnies frm all bks we've ever read (& ever will read) are stored. hence, this bk is highly reccomended with generous helpings of corrinne may seranading thru yr stereo..
anyhow.
the gears have already been set in motion; tickets have been booked. i hope i come back.
pray for me. please.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
----the stars are brightly shining * * *
this is a SHOUT OUT to pearlyn!
i hope you didnt think i fergot yr birthday! i know i didnt manage to find you anywhere yesterday, and yes - i KNOW that this is a highly impersonal way to express how i feel, but - HAPPY (belated =p) BIRTHDAY, BABY!
i love you. thx fer everything. i promise you'll get a prezzie frm me soon =D. tc gal!
call my name and i know at once: i love you.
tutored josh in lit today. =D and met up with phangz darroch leonardi william. heh. i think i had a pretty gd day. (=
phangz was as red as a lobster ahhaz... cute. ily! you rox my sox~
mm. sch's gettin pretty dreary; O's are comin up. and for once in a long, long time - i totally dont feel like angsting! but i havvve ta admit: i kinda miss ya.. call me soon! i hope everything's okay. (=
happy day. tc everyone~xx
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
new york city * [such a beautiful disease]
i've been SLEEPING all day =p. extremely escapist, i know. but i really cant seem to help myself. dont know why but i've got no motivation whatsoe'er to (start) work or do anything vaguely substantial.
altho, results are all in. my L1R5 is really NOTHING impressive but thank God for the 10+ point improvement frm the mid-yrs. and to all who put their patience at stake and took time off to tutor me (be it in a+emath/phys/chem/ss.......) - thank you. i promise to do better next yr. (*=
bio seems to have gone well for most of my friends - gd going ppl. (= ~still praying for all of you.
tc everyone.
Monday, October 20, 2003
she was my world.
3 scoops of chocolate deacadence, a single red rose, //tempting heart//; melancholic day.
gourged myself silly on ice-cream. my results are pitiful - im the lowest in the lv for hc ahhaz. finally brought my first (2) As home tho. thank God for lit and EL. =p
and so, to top everything off, i shall begin a night of brooding. *joins the weeping philosopher club*. oh. the O level starts tmr. to everyone in sec 4: ALL THE BEST. do well. (*=
Sunday, October 19, 2003
it seems to me
some fine things have been laid up on your table
but you only want the ones you can*t get ---
someone shld get my mother to shut up once in a while.
im in a very poor state. (i feel wanton for some godforsaken reason.) it's been 5 hrs since i started crying. no more zen. the only thing keeping me here is pure logic. im running on pure logic. responsibilty, religion. 2 things that resonate in all this silence; highlights the pain if you ask me. thanks for being oh-so-SUBTLE about walking away. what am i supposed to do now?
"i need you, please come home."
more silence. like *that's* ever gonna work. today was jus packed with things i didnt want to hear, but needed to know. maybe i shld go against everything that im living for now/the very forces of nature and jus hate you.
"I imagine that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, that they will be forced to deal with pain."
-- James Baldwin, taken from the essay : "Notes of a Native Son" from "Notes of a Native Son", Beacon Press 1955
(that was blantantly taken off shinen's blog.)
Saturday, October 18, 2003
// * the queen of hearts is your best bet -:-
to drive that sense of finality all the way home, (maybe it's time fer me to let go...) notes fer everybody! (*=
+prince charming ala froggie-biscuit. hello, darling. it's been one helluva month hasn't it? but. i cannot deny that i think i spent some of my -best- days w you - our very own soap opera episodes. lolx.
and so, jus to let you know - you'll never be jus another face in the crowd to me. i guess i'll always treasure what little of your time you dedicated to me, it's the resultant feelings that i'll never forget.. the bittersweet aftertaste; you taste like mooonshine.
//you can fly so high, keep your gaze upon the sky
//even though it breaks my heart
//to know we'll be so far apart
//i'll be praying every step along the way
//i love you
//too much
//to make you stay
//baby, fly away.
you'll always be in my prayers; you'll always be a part of me. i'll never stop loving you. all the best for your exams. stay focussed & do well k.
mon couer est a vous.
m.c. - deus valinte. in 2 words: im. sorry. you're right - only time may tell. i jus hope you'll give me another chance when the occasion arises. take care. praying for you too.
the duke of york * thank you for everything. for bearing with me. haha. i think i shld thank EVERYONE for putting up w all my girlish whiney-ness - i guess girls are jus kinda clingy-expressive like that =p.
anyway.
//you & i describe eternity//
idealistic, yes? oh wells. love may not last forever but i know friendship does. (*= im glad i've got you. ily~
clark kent. call me soon, y'hear? take care of yrself. still praying for you.
he who *rox my sox*. you shld know who you are =p. thank you. for standing so steadfast. for being so willing to take 2nd best. im gonna try to make things up to you frm now on. i'll do whats best. for you; for us. i'll always be here for you too. you're so silly, but sometimes---jus sometimes ;)--- i really dont know what i'd do w/o you. ily~
so yes. that concludes the end of the notes segment. will do an update proper when im feeling more alive. tc everyone. (*=
Friday, October 17, 2003
sonically pristine *
jus got home frm piano~ im feeling a lil better now. music does wonders to the soul. (= my teacher brought me a new bk to play w today.. jim brickman - THE GIFT. and i brought the same solo piece there to clonk on too. hahaz. great minds think alike (=.
after lesson i went down to music essentials and placed an order for come away with me. so ms norah jones will be *mine all mine* in 2 wks ahhaz. went out fer dinner w my mom&sis. bought 2 absoultelyFANTASTIC jazz albums.
and so, i highly reccomend BEST AUDIOPHILE VOICES II and THE PETER MALICK GRP feat NORAH JONES: New York City. (=
so yay. im in a pretty gd mood now. (=
you know who you are. ily. thx fer being there. (=
spinning around+move outta my way.
i think i wasted my mc. i really shldnt have gone to sch today - i really, really didnt need to see the very, very negative results i obtained fer my 3 subjs.
curiosity killed the cat.
meowrr.
its been a long time since i last walked in the rain - its cliche, i know. but yeah. it felt pretty gd in a melancholic-teary kinda way. jus pray that my fever doesnt go up =p.
my head's in a whirl. cant sit straight think straight. ugh. get a grip, girl.
footnote to self: give shirin a call. you know you miss that feeling of being mothered by yr cap'n. shirin - if you ever read this: thx for the hug today. i needed that. (*=
gng for piano now. break a leg, everyone.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
gdbye to you/gdbye to everything that i knew
okay so i listened to the duke of york and went to the dr by meself today. looks like i've come down w fever. will go to sch late+come home early tmr. i wanna get my results fer tmr's emath/phys/chem.
but in the face of all this, i think i've come to realise that *you've* been there for me all along. im so sorry that i've been treating you so unfairly. im gonna try to make it up to you frm now on. i guess its gonna be tough but you're right - im gonna be strong. i know i deserve better; you deserve better of me anyway.
//you saved my heart//frm being broken apart//
//you gave your love away//and im thankful everyday//
//for the gift//
ily.
invisible./cry me a river.
in a word: invisible. thats all i am to you. yes please, go ahead and negate how i feel about the entire matter. FUCK YOU, I SAY. FUCK YOU. im sorry i let myself get led on like that im sorry i love you so goddamn much im sorry i think that you're all jus playing lipservice to god im sorry that i think i've done nth wrong im sorry that i all i wanted was a fraction of his love for you im sorry that the world is round im sorry you think i've breached your trust im sorry im sorry IM SORRY.
1. bloody hell you KNOW that he loves you the most what more do you want, my friend? i thought you wanted to abstain frm sin. i mean, hell. i really dont know whether you know what you're doing. if you really want him back and since he wants you back, THEN GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD ALREADY. so that everyone can move on and maybe i'll finally learn to cope w/o him.
2. what right have YOU to throw yr bloody tantrums all over the place like that. have you EVER stopped to consider this: THIS HAPPENED TO ME TOO. remember the night of my mother's bday party? the day when you got all suicidal? how i found out that the both of you had gone the bloody -extra mile-? you'd think i shld've MADE A HUGE FUSS out of it as well! but i didnt. bloody hell, i was DEFINITELY upset. extremely disappointed tt you broke yr convenant to God, but the thing is: i've LONG accepted the fact that you're the one who matters to him most. so wtf is your problem if i choose to love him? what right have YOU to tell him to stay away frm me. honestly. the world doesnt revolve around you. maybe his world does. and maybe mine revolves around him. but yes i think you're being selfish. TRUST HIM when he says that he loves you. he'll do anything in his pwr to make you happy. and bloody hell if its not too much to ask, please spare a thought for me. how can you even tell him to stay away frm me like that? my friend, you KNOW that he will do it. so how can you, in turn, do this to me?! esp when you KNOW how much he means to me. is it so wrong to love someone. YOU'RE NOT. THE ONLY ONE WHO'S HURTING.
i cant believe im actually crying over this.
3. i know that you're mad at me now. and im sorry that you are, i genuinely am. but think about it. following your line of logic, shldnt i be mad at you too? the thing is - im not even going to fight w you over this. i dont want to fight. and in any case i -know- that i cant lose what i never had because he was never mine to begin w anyway.
i mean, im GENUINELY sorry for deceiving you. so for all the times i've lied to you - im sorry. but try to understand that all of it was done WITHOUT any intent for malice. we jus didnt want you to get jealous or angry etc. i mean, so maybe it was a mistake cuz you found out anyway. but yeah. HE IS HIS OWN PERSON AFTERALL. whats done is done. and i know he means it when he says that he wont do it again. he doesnt want to break your heart anymore. so believe him when he says that.
im BEGGING you now, my friend, to just CHERISH him. my heart was broken for a reason. im lying in shambles; drowning in a pool of my own blood for a reason.
he. loves. you.
so be glad.
and quite frankly, i dont know how im ever gonna redeem myself in your eyes. but (try to) trust me when i say that i do treasure your friendship very very much. you mean alot to me. and i never meant for any of this to happen. i never meant to come btwn the both of you/complicate matters/fall for him.
i dont regret what i've done - afterall i guess its only right that you give your everything to the one you love. but yes. its up to YOU to rest assured when we tell you that this will never happen again.
he wldnt let anything jeopardise what he shares with you now.
and so, once again - im sorry. im sorry if you're feeling hurt. its jus that right now i cant help but wonder: who in hell is gonna be there to feel sorry fer me now that im hurting. i'd give anything to be in your position, you know that?
but yeah. jus to let you know - you're still in my prayers. and when you find it in your heart to forgive me.. lemme know. still here for you if you want me to be. tc.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
my funny valentine
i LOVE the library@esplanade. it's piano score haven ahhaz. went there w sam today. the both of us nearly fainted frm all that photocopying =p. and we finally caught //underworld// too. the film is gooooood~ (FOo! to all you ppl who think otherwise >.< ) excellent special effects + i liked the costumes =D.
im trying very hard to stay happy. willnotcry. the glass is frosted. frosted. frosted. frosted.
oh and CONGRATS to may&di - they're FINALLY official ahhaaz. gogogo~ (*=
so yeah.
you know who you are. im sorry.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
el mariachi: what do you want out of life?
met up w phangzz + adi&may today. the two lovebirds were due for //the italian job//, phangzz and i went off to gawk at salma hayek in //once upon a time in mexico//. and o.m.g. she is so. HOT. =p.
i think the directors shld've given her more screen time =p.
mm. i think my afternoon was well-spent. phangzz bought me a lil doggie too! lolx. thx honey~ ily.
maybe everyday will be a gd day. oh wells. gonna go screw ard w finale.
tc everyone.
finale.
earlier today: i spent my time counting down to 1230. was busy lacing my EL paper with arbitrary musings.
songs unsung
//extra virgin olive oil;
less than 1% acidity
//a choo-choo train of thoughts
chasing coal minds in abundance
of you
//love is blind as far as the eye
can see
//rivulets of blood
trace back to your ocean
//water like vitriol
//hunger to the bone.
got off the phone w sam (coach) a lil while back. he called me last night too.. i miss him so much. ]= come back soon okay? =p.
len! as and when you read this - BABE I MISS YOU. =p. wish you were here. i'll tryta spend xmas w you this yr kae. xx.
so yeah.
trying to keep a glass-is-frosted perspective of things. praying for strength.
i miss you.
Monday, October 13, 2003
\\why cant i BREATHE
whenever i think about YOU//
back frm lunch w maylin.
exams are out. somehow the thrill is gone. thx fer ruining my day. *rolls eyes*.
now i can start worrying about getting my results =p.
cheers, everyone.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon.
i hate you. i really do. i hate how everything doenst fit into (my) focus. i know its selfish but hey, i have my limits too alright. i dont know how much more of this i can take. i mean, yeah. i promise i'll tolerate AS MUCH of your nonsense (you know i dont mean it that way) as my heart permits me to. (so i guess this means i'll be hanging around for quite some time as long as you let me in. but then again. even if you dont. ahh fuck. what am i saying. i'll always be there fer you k.)
but i cannot. cannot. CANNOT. deny that it hurts.
i jus hope you're alright. please dont do this anymore okay? right now i dont even know if you're dead alive breathing lying unconscious in a ditch/on the floor of yr room. i dont know.
all i know is that ily.
oh god pls dont let anything happen.
Friday, October 10, 2003
today was a bad day.
started bad, stayed that way.
-- said thru Fray, by Joss Whedon.
jus got home frm PS. piano can be so satisfying sometimes. my lesson was interesting. practiced playing *glissando* til my fingers bled. hah. my teacher had to force me to stop playing.
bad day.
1. hcl was BAD. its gonna take so much more than jus a miracle for me to pass.
2. fuck you GV.
3. FUCK YOU GV. grr.
4. was reminded of consequences of not doing well for the EOYs - im gonna get shipped off to HK for gd. so yeah. im prepared to say my gdbyes.
5. relationships are better left up on the shelf.
6. was made to wait 20 fucking mins at the fucking sushi counter at carrefour. the ppl there cant even man the fucking machine!!?! ooh. im never. patronising the place again.
7. for some godforsaken reason im feeling so cold now. breathless, even. i hope i die of hay fever or pneumonia or sth. i dont. wanna get my results back.
8. oh and did i mention that i HATE. GV? so yeah. FUCK YOU GV.
only thing tt was vaguely happy today: you. ily. i'll bet your day has redeemed itself, yes? smile fer me.
its getting harder to breathe. i dont even want to try anymore.
tc, everyone.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
i've been waiting till i see it in your eyes.
my phys is a goner. hc tmr. hardly think that it'll be any better. *SOS*
i feel like giving in. i dont want to. but.
yeah.
ahh. feelings are fkn load of rubbish.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
all i ever knew: only you*
jus came back frm novena - thx for taking time off to tutor me, luc. i see the light. lolx. (*=
emath was baaaaad. =p. as usual, i made COUNTLESS careless mistakes. sigh. feeling super -pinched-. =p. SS wasnt much better; my hand -a c h e s- like nobody's business. (pls dont drop off >.<)
anyway.
//
you know who you are. i jus want to say this: whether you like it or not, you ARE a part of my life. its killing me to watch you drown in all that cynicism. (i thought you wanted to protect me; i thought you didnt want to see me hurt. but then again, maybe i thought wrong.)
whatever it is, please dont do this to yourself. dont let all this numbness overcome good sense. your calls mean a lot to me. ily. and you know that.
hoping you'll hear me.
do you hear me?
//
right. phys tmr. gonna try to get into mr tang's webbie. all the best fer tmr y'all..
blessed be.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
sunday bloody sunday
another 2 papers off the list. i think i'll be made to drop HC, and i can officially -kiss- my chem gdbye~*
argggggh. made a fckload of careless mistakes for my section a. section b is screwed; and i BS-ed my way thru c. *strangles self*
so yeah.
plus, my mom and i yelled our guts out at each other in the car this morn. lovely way to start the day.
[to the duke of york *]
im sorry for not coming to the phone. i was feeling really shagged yest. and yes, i was sound alsp by the time you called.. you called twice right? 0008 h & 0026 h. im sorry. maybe things aren't all that hunky-dory anymore. for some reason your voice msg was heartbreaking.
im sorry.
vous etes soyez toujours a mon coeur.
tgc.
anyhow. today aside. emath&ss tmr. praying for stamina. strength. im so gonna burn out by the end of today.
sigh.
cheers, everyone.
Monday, October 06, 2003
(( a lover's lullaby ))
i think i screwed up both lit and EL today.. but yet, i am happy. =D. all your fault lolx.
//basking in the happy afterglow of you//
... mm my skin feels nice. =D
ily.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
watch the stars * crash in the sky
imagine you woke up to the warmest continental breakfast, your loved one beside you (fully complimented with classical music, of course)... following that, you are whisked away to the club with him, and the rest of the afternoon is simply oh.so.tender - melting in the water, embracing the sunshine.. and photo shoots galore =D
lunch is beautiful; home is where the heart is. (=
to the maldives and beyond.. you know who you are. je t'aime. (=
*
[+silent note to the duke of york.]
i hope everything's going well for you now. i dont know why but i feel like apologising.. so..
im sorry.
just concentrate on the more impt things in your life now alright. and regardless of how cynical you are, i'll say it again: i.l.y.
you hear me?
tgc.
Thursday, October 02, 2003
wrong place}{wrong time
okay i have 2 mins b4 tuition starts.
to my dearest duke of york * [you know who you are]: please be alright kay. im here fer you. i know you've had a crap day. and im sorry you had a crap day. still here if you need someone. ily. everything will work out kay. call me soon alright.
deus valinte:
be strong. you'll be alright. God will make a way. ily. still here fer you too. *hugs*
the unknown beloved:
you. be strong. PLEASE take care of yourself. as and when you read this, you KNOW that you'll always find support here alright. things will work out. youre in my prayers always. mon couer est a vous. ily.
have Faith, God will bring us Hope, Love was never out of the picture.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
::my wingless ascending angel::
i had a pretty good day. KFC is cold. (you are warm.) tied up loose ends of acids, bases and salts. the past few days have been all about late nights and comfort calling late. i feel like im living on some sort of a temporary high; there's a lump in my chest and most people diagnose it as EOY-PRESSURE =p.
in a state of semi-panic.
i want my blade back.
surreal surreal surreal.
on a final note, to everyone out there, esp if your exams start tmr - ALL THE BEST! you'll be in my prayers. (=